The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
