Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
