She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
