just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I just blew my weed a kiss
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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