Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
