Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
