We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
is wine microwaveable?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
