you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
