why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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