My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Life is so much better after having sex.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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