Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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