The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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