Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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