i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
