So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
