The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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