Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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