I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
