he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
