He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Is this like a preordered booty call?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
