Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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