The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
