I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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