at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
