Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
