She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
