She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Randomize
