Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
