Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
