maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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