i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
My penis needs a shock collar
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
