I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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