I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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