Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
