Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
