Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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