obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
two words: eviction party
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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