My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
