Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
