I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
