I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
