I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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