don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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