in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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