And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
