I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
