There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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