saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
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