I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
