Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
