I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
