Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
