Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Randomize
