these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
