I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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