All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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