I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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