So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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